are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
