i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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