Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
