im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
