She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
