I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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