hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
