if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
