My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
from now on my penis is your penis
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So much Jack, so little girl.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have fence marks all over my body
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
