Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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