last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
