Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
