there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
