I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
