Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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