Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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