before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
