i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
