I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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