I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
