Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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