If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
