my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
