I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
