mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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