How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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