I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize