I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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