Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
