Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Randomize
