I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
