dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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