i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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