I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
