One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
