Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
