Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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