i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
