i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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