Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
