I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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