If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
