Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
