The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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