The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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