I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
