ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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