my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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