I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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