dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
