Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
