i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
