Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
