so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
