I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
