i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
