It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
