just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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