Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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