I'm going to jail i love you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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